ERES NEOS

2003-02-03T01:39:00.000-08:00

Before you delve into thoughts, picture yourself out on your porch, on a summer afternoon. You feel the warm breeze, as you listen to its whistle on the leaves. Above you the gentle sun shining down as you feel its touching rays. With a breath, you kick off your shoes, lick your lips and close your eyes. And you leave them there, and you yawn and sigh, and slowly fade away

2002-10-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

I think i'm going nuts. Last nite i went to a party. and for once, i actually met this gut Frankie. hes pretty cute, acts a lil gay but sweet as hell. i think i'm really sprung. I've got such feelings i cant describe. Excitement, yet at the same time its been awhile and i'm scared, i'm not so good at playing the game anymore. And i keep wondering if he'll remember me after the hangover. its crazy i woke up this morning thinking about him, how close we were last nite, but its the alocohal and i know it. (dont be stupid linda--relax). sigh...in the back of my mind, it naggs...you kissed dating good bye, you said a catholic guy, you said, no more bullshit from shitty men. but then again, my heart tells me how much i want to be held by someone, and love someone.
the party ended early and we were all suppse to come back to the appartment. but we went home instead. its just as well. monday, we'll see if he still remembers me.

2002-08-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to SD. yup, for some reason that nite when my dad told me to just leave, it striked a nerve in me. it wasnt really like life shattering. it was more like...pushing me to seek new oppertunities. i prayed long and hard, i cried so much, i was so lost and confused, i longed so much to feel the presence of the holy spirit run through me again. i was so desperate, and so lost without him. so then it came, not so perfectly but slowly. at first as i got back from SD, all signs just seemed to point to DONT GO! but as i kept on sticking to it, and meditated on it...things are finally fitting into place. there are still minor details i have to worry about. but i know that he is with me and will work things out for me. sigh...i've had these lapses where i just dont pray for days. but it always comes back full fledged. its good to come back. sigh. tomarrow is my core retreat, my frist retreat ever and i cant seem to sleep. i pray that it goes well.

2002-08-12T03:42:00.000-07:00

ITS 330 in the morning, i've suddenly got so much on my mind rite now sleep is the last thing on my mind. my dad came storming out as i cam home an hour ago. pissed of what a bad child i am. wants me to kick me out. wants me to apply to college far away and go away. so i sit here and i'm seriously considering it. i'm scared. its getting late and fall quarter is fastly approaching. finances are unstable, the future scares the hell outta me, and i'm just drowing right now. i'm scared, i dont know what to do. i know my cousin would be willing to help me, but then again thats not making it on my own, thats just jumping from one family to another. i think i will give another shot at true independence. i know that there are plenty of other people who have it worst, who unlike me have no one to help them when things get really really bad. i know if i just ignore my dad things will all be peachy but i feel that i shouldnt do that this time. if i move, what then?

2002-07-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

i got piss ass drunk last nite...without realizing it i must have taken like 12 shots...more then i could stomach. boy was it crazy. christina was off getting violent for her car keys. frinking glass cleaner and biting greg. christine was paying hommage to the porceline god and so was i...either that or passed out. i said it once but i'll remind myself again "I will never drink like that again!!!"
things are in a funk between evan and everyone...i'm mad at Jon a lil for being ignorant and i'm just glad that god pulled me out of harms way before i could seriously damage myself.

I feel tremendous guilt for doing the things i've done. i need confession... but i'm scared. truth be told i havent gone since my first communion. i didnt attend mass and i need to confess my wreckless love life. I dont think i'll be able to do these old things anymore. i'm getting back into my faith and these things dont seem to mix so well anymore they use to seem fun, but now they just seem stupid and pointless. its like walking around in a circle. i have to get back to beyone what feels good to what is good.

2002-06-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

so we talked...and a week later here i am.. doing quite well actually now that i know for sure that we're just friends and i am no longer confused. i just dont know when i'll be able to get him outta my system for good.. i guess when ppl stop asking me how things are going and how am i holding up...i'm perfectly fine. i got my change to talk.. i got my questions answered... and i got my closure. it was all i really needed to move on. it hurted like hell...but if it didnt then i would have been worried. its nice to feel..even if its not a good feeling. its a way of keeping track of wheather or not ur alive. pluse is running, heart is beating..yup i am very much in tact. now the question is...how normal will things be when i finally see him again...well i miss my buddy and i'm willing to try hard to keep this friendship alive.. its all i got going...and quite frankly its all i really need.

2002-06-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

Sittin here at Jon's. the sleep dept, and emotionally drawn out day has worn me down and now i'm feeling a little stressed out. Anexity causes countless problems I wont ever care to name them. I'm sittin here waiting for an extremely important email. Seconds that go by seem like hours, and my mind is no longer functioning normally, it has.. offically switched to crack for energy.

With myself I'm ok... with this new interest i'm just not ok. confused because i get hearsay from friends. confused because there is no intuition telling me this guy feels for me that same way. i havent pursued any further, but i might have to if i dont get any answers soon. i'm tired of wondering, i'd rather know.

the old flame. he never made it quite to the bf status, therefore he never made it to the ex status, therefore we never had any intimate history. i think shawn hangs on to me because hes still wondering and wanting what might have been. but all i can see is what he is now.. pathetic and demented. four wives, and two kids laters he is now working at the local pizza hut. too embaressed to come in his white collar "pizza hut" shirt, he greets me with his undershirt. he misses the part where i can see the red heat trapper bags in the back, and the shirt draped on the passanger side seat. demented? he still thinks hes the shits and that deep down i want him. i wish but i just think hes unfuckable (curtosy of margaret cho). sigh... but god willing, i will be able to not see him and have to say all these mean things about him. but god willing, i will be able to say what i do...and that we will never have to talk after this. we agreed never to talk again... or at least i did. i think its best to walk our seperate ways.

2002-06-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

The day started out great, meditation..i never knew how to do it till now.
However not so later i lost myself i dont know where i went.
I bitched out someone i didnt even know. So much anger festered inside, so shocked, and hurt FOR my friend, i wanted to say the things that he was too nice to say. was it a mistake? i'm not sure, feels like it might have been...wrong for me to stick my nose into bussiness that wasnt my own. but then it had to do with someone a cared about so then does his business become mine? do i own that right? it sure felt like i did at the time. when it comes to friends, where do we draw the line to what our business is and is not?

In a fit of maddness and lost expression, i said something horribly stupid. If your reading this Jon Jon, i'm really sorry it wasnt true, not in the least. I luv you much, you know that and if you doubt that i'll just have to kill you! *tee hee hee*
well i have hope yet that the day will end on a better note.

my house smells like crabs and seaweed. =)

Dinner last night was wicked fun and pasta taste so much better the next day! yum left overs!

2002-06-01T02:10:00.000-07:00

I think i'm having so much fun lately that its just not so fun anymore... is that possible? i think it is..just think about it..

continue later

2002-05-31T17:36:00.000-07:00

the best way to see how far we've changed is the talk to someone we havent seen since times have changed us. we get to see how differnt we are, becuase they'll only know you as the person they once knew.
there are several things that i have picked up, ideas that one were but are no longer etc. and growing up means accepting and letting go:
-i've learned that you cant be friends with an ex.
-you'll always love that love no matter what.
-good friends are not hard to find.
-sometimes its more then just sex
-god is good...all the time
-people who dont understand you, never will
-and it doesnt matter what anyone thinks about you as long as you know the truth...besides, good friends would know the truth too.

i cant pretend to say that the past doesnt hurt, it haunts me constantly.
oh well... all i knew for sure, is that the present...is FUCKING AMAZING!

2002-05-25T03:06:00.000-07:00

looking at the last blog and seeing how far i've come from that week.. what a trip. life has definitly looked up since then. Since then i have sought out the glory of God and he has helped me mend my wounds. I only wish that i could somehow mend the wounds of others... old friends. but i guess in the end they are the only ones that can help themselves. some just take longer to get to that self saving point. it was extremely sweet of this friend to wish me a happy belated birthday...even tho it was "one week late" :) i accept it with much appreciation. however i wish that this friend could learn to appreciate himself and the world around him. its not such a bad place after all.

no matter what i do i cant escape good people. thanks linh for saving me even tho i was already six feet over the edge. ur an awsome guy too! i hope that we continue to save eachother.

song of the week: Creed-my last breath

2002-05-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

lordy take me away from this gawdawful place... sometimes life aint so bad, but it can alwasy get worst.
so in the course of a week, i find out things about myself, forced to talk to my ex...fall in love, get heartbroken. discover truths about my friends i'm not sure i wanted to know. was pressured into a intsense conversation at 5am which only left me bitter. and for the first time seriouly want to quit work!

just sitting here makes me nausous.

sigh. i spend more then i make, i make less then what i need, and i'm drowning in confusion

i'm curious to see how this week will end.

2002-04-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

There is such thing as having a good time without having sEx. Drinking is not an invitation to sex. Men, news flash! We are no longer Victims of your mind games. None of this would even occur to me had i a good friend. Friends show how much they cAre when they hold your hair back while u pay homage to the porcelain god. FrieNds are friends when they understand that having fun has its prices but they will always save you from having to pay them. They’ll save you from bad situations. You know that it wouldn’t be the first time or the last. So when do friends stop being friends? When they don’t do anything to stop bad things from happening to you. When you get too drunk to know right from wrong, they don’t hold your hair back, they don’t hold horney guys back, they don’t take you home until you ask them five times. Life’s a bitch when your sober...but at least you know who your true friends are.

2002-03-31T15:26:00.000-08:00

"my heart is broken and the signs are unclear. and i dont know the reasons why you brought me where..but i'm gonna walk through the fire if you want me to." Ginny Owens

i had a bomb time last it. i forgot how long its been since i got to let go and be so free. dont care if i made bad impression. or looked like an idiot. because "when the whole world turns against me" i'll still be cool, i'll still have my friends.
waking up sober was a real bitch haha, but ya cant run away from reality forever rite? i dont plan to, i just need something to help me relax so that i may deal with it better when its all said and done.

ugh. feelings i never quite shake, why is he still her? why wont he leave? he was suppose to go to hayward, but not hes going to deanza? why is he still her torturing my poor broken heart? he cares for me i know he does so whats wrong? more things the i can stand to put on a list.
the way he touches me, its happiness for me. lying in the same bed talking about a whole bunch of nothing till early morning light.
it aches so much i pound my chest to stop... " cuz your all i want, your all i need, your everything...everything. how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you. would you tell me how it could be better?"

Sigh. God give me strength.

2002-03-15T16:59:00.000-08:00

My goal is to make every summer better then the last. last summer will be hard to top thats for sure. gosh, i'm looking back at all the things i did.. so many memories..my townsend boys, my o-town. hehe. what a blast i had. i cant wait for this summer to roll around. it'll be hard but i wont hope for much so that i'll get more.

Preliminary summer plans:

~Yosemite--> River rafting and old faithful.
~Psuedo Rock climbing
~Sky diving
~LOTS OF CONCERTs---> follow up on townsend. (note to self: keep contacts with Great Americas Rep for hook ups).
~Long trips to LA--> San Diego, Plam Springs, Craig Kilborne show in Hollywood.
~Mossouri with Kroeun and Tuan to Visit caly.
~River rafting in the American River
~resume golfing
~clean up rollerblades
~finish book--> Angela's Ashes and Harry Potter IV
~Chicago to visit Chicago man
~Carmel
~GET A BETTER JOB!!!!

More to come...any suggestions people???

2002-03-07T01:49:00.000-08:00

I'm just all out of sorts today. i wonder who is really real? Some people can be so hypocritcal. Saying one thing then doing another.
Saying that i'm a good friend just because we can talk for hours. moslty about his problems. his concerns. what he wants to talk about. i'm lost.. wheres the friendship gonna go when i no longer care? cuz its not always gonna be so simple.

Don't you dare bash my religion! dont u dare make judgements of something you can't understand. dont judge something that doesnt judge you. no matter what you may think, you just dont know. because its not in the books you read its in the faith in your heart.

2002-02-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

today i'm blogging in the library at skool, yeah i'm weird like that just finding odd and different places to blog, last week the mall, today the library, tomarrow THE WORLD!

2002-02-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

so i have a new problem. this person is calling. i wish he wouldnt, i wish he never came into my life becuse now that his is, its hard form me to get him out of my life.. why? because i'm in his. he gave me a ring today and honest to god i didnt think that would happen after i blew him off the night before. we talked, hes real, someone that i would like to get to know better, be there for me and i would be there for him. so whats stoppin things? the "what" is me. i've refused to see him and i dont know why. i dont know, part of me doesnt want to meet anyone new rite now, it would disrupt my way of life too much rite now. things have not been this good for this long ever before. lifes been cruel and now its gotta be kind. i just wish he could understand how i feel but he wont. grrr. so frustrated. i feel so bad, but i cant change the part of me that doesnt want to see him yet.
nothing does it like the comfort of an old friend. i dont want new ones. not yet.

2002-02-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

here i am at Evan's. i've turned in to this nite creature that only ventures out for adventure. sigh.. tomarrows plans? Ikea and a quaint little picnic at the park accros from DeAnza. can't wait, got no money thats ok..got no honey thats alright.. i got my friends and i can fly outta sight. lol...anyhow. i miss my chicago man...i dont want to add on to the extensive list of fail dead-end-long-distance-realationships..*sigh* meaning hoang from mich.

no more whining...lifes to short. i cant wait to get outta this hell hole and back to LA. i like it there, i feel so relaxed and as if life just stops for a few short days. its awsome its a feeling words cant describe i guess its just the fact that i can get away from responsibilites and such for a short while. we all need those every now and again..or a shrink or something. i've considered that. but then again i use to date one and he's fucked up because he knows too much...

i've neglected everything i set out to keep and eye on. i feel bad, but then again i also need to breathe, to live, i need to be impulsive, i just wish they didnt need me so much, i wish they cared. i wish i knew that i cared. ok like i said no more whining its high time i went home to catch some Zzz's... nite world.

P.S. and if your reading this and i'm sure u are...Chris...sorry but i'm not the easy fuck you think i am... try again. on someone else. ;p

2002-02-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

haha oh joy's i' m sittin here at valle Fair's mac store. and i'm bloggin! here, me, at the mall... i'm slowly converting to mac's wonderful idea of an easy to use computer...oh god someone stop me! is mac the future? and guess what Christine plays golf!!!

2002-01-30T02:00:00.000-08:00

it snowed! it hasnt snowed since 1976. how awsome this powery white stuff is. it was so amazing being up there in the mountains again looking down upon civilization. only miles/minuets away. but this time there was snow! it surely brought back some memories that i wish could have been left dormant for it has stirred old wounds and new longings.

2002-01-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

Hello Christine and Evan. If you havent already, to find out more about how to make sense of it all...try the archives.

2002-01-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

if i had a chance to tell my ex something..gawd there are so many things that would love to tell him....things that i wish he would actually listen to if i told him.. he never would so i would never try...anymore.

2002-01-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

sometimes looking back i feel a small emptiness... it could have been 6 years already. i think of how i lost my chicago man last year...and all that has happened while i was still apart of his life and he was apart of mine.

ever want to take something back so badly? go back in time, fix one small insignificant mistake that would later cost so much more? or just to be like evie and freeze time. *sigh*

2002-01-09T23:21:00.000-08:00

Chinese,
Japanese,
Dirty knees,
look at these ( * )( * )

2002-01-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

my best friend is 2,000 miles away and when she's in trouble there is nothing that i can do for her. perhaps in any kind of a relationship it is most horrible to feel useless towards the person you care about. ever since she moved, she missed california. but returning after so long, everyone has changed and cali does not provide her with that sense of comfort she once had. the bond is diminished. yet her current location doesnt provide her with happiness either. how do u comfort someone that doesnt feel they've belonged anywhere. or that they've missed a great deal of experience in their life? if she was here, i'd call up the gang and show her what fun friends can have with a simple board game. but shes not. and so i sit in silence.

2002-01-07T01:41:00.000-08:00

New Years was the best i have ever had in my entire life, and a great break from falling asleep to dick clark for the past 2 years. went to several parites, last stop i was tha haytte in downtown, a party of college friends, not mine of course, but it was great after a smirnoff ice. met several deanza ppl and became well aquainted, i shall hit them up when i go back to school. we've already hooked up a couple of times to hang out. they are awsome ppl and i miss them rite now. greg ur such a awsome people i love you! lol.

moulan rouge is by far the best romantic movie on the face of this earth. combining, music (the essence of my being), dancing, and beautiful actors... ugh,...edwin mcgreggor. u are HOT!
'work is cool to, been invited to co-worker parties, but too busy to attend. cant drink if i drive, so i dont drink by not going. hehe

school tomarrow.....lets not ruin my happiness by talking about that

2001-12-27T00:07:00.000-08:00

lifes in the crapper at the moment. i mean its not totally bad, i'm just feeling a little bit off you know? it all started yesterday when shawn called to wish me a merry christmas, he also didnt neglect to add that he missed me and that he still loved me. what kind of shit is that? ok i get on with my life. then i realize that i cant lie that everything is dandy. its not. it showed today in a game of pool and i embaressed myself by playing rather horribly. my concentratoin was just not there and worst i got the worst i felt, i was glad to go to work to get away. i'm thinking of someone thats not thinking of me and whoever is thinking of me, i'm sorry i guess its karma for me baby.

what else to add to the "feeling off bit"
oh yeah i have this friend i hang out with alot, shes great. fun and like me. though comes to times when i feel i need to break away. shes become sort of annoying, stealing attention away from my guys, and thinking that shes all that. the only way to last as my friend is to demonstrate humble characteristics or humility. she has none of those, she wont hold back at the chance to steal my thunder, i hate that. theres only one thunder in them hills. i dunno maybe its my pride, so i swallow it when she calls, and i talk to her. everything is cool, we all chums, maybe i'll just be smarter and keep her life and mine seperate. yeah that sounds good.

i hate feeling off, it fucking messes up my fung shui

2001-12-10T22:08:00.000-08:00

at life nite the topic was how to get ourselves ready for christmas. i'm not sure yet. but until i figure out, i feel so sad all of the sudden. the christmas season was alwasy suppose to fill the house more with the spirit. good, and joy, waking up to cold frosty mornings and the smell of coffee brewing. has everyone lost their spirit? or is it just me?

2001-12-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

i woke up so uneasy today. starting my day off late. then finished up the english patient. realizing that i dont have any money to buy my friends presents for christmas further depresses me. the goal of the day was to study but somehow didnt get around to it till 10pm. i witnessed linh and steve almost break down to tears at mass today. i wish i linh would see me as something more then just linda from church. they are both great guys who know so much yet are also so young at heart.
my mind wanders to thoughts of people i would rather forget.
found out today that the only reason shawn ever called me again was to invite me to his college graduation. i didnt pick up. i never went.
i'm not sure if thats good or bad, last time i checked we never wanted to talk to eachother again. but its Grad school graduation. i'm not sure. i cant care.

2001-12-09T00:54:00.000-08:00

life will never let me live it the way i want it. theres always interruptions that shake me up.
hard as i try i cant heal those i care for. the ones i love most i cant help. they go on hurting. they go on tearing me apart. i mend my wounds but they never heal. over and over and over and over,and as annoying as that is to read, imagen it multiplied by 10,000 and you will only glimpse at the life i'm forced to live.

2001-11-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

havent had the time nor urge to blog really. life is life. we only got one. so i'm just livin.

2001-10-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

for the longest time i have been wanting to change the looks of my room make it more "high school like" and now that i'm in college i want it to be more "college like"...well i could never get it to be the way i want it to be. i have tried and failed. i pictured everything matching, furniture, curtains and carpet. everything neatly tucked away and organized to perfection. but i realized that taht would never happen, not in this room. becuase there are too many memories to just throw out... and plus, i like randomness and that the most perfect way i can describe how my room looks. its just so very... random

2001-10-05T00:26:00.000-07:00

sounds erupt and break the long silence, arguments flair left and right, there is no stopping them. though somehow it is as if time stands still and i can see my sister arcoss the hall way in the other room, peeking out again to see what all the commotion is about, though i think that she already knows because when i see her i see myself; 9 years old, scared and unaware of the magnifications of the events that take place. thinking that arguments are somehow normal, but still having an unsettiling feeling that will never wash away, not even with the passing days. those feelings will never settle nor will they ever fade i know this because i was once that scared little girl peeking through the crack of the door and seeing my brother, thinking to myself that i'm invisable and that nothing can see or touch me. i'm dissapointed. i thought that she would be the one to escape the misery that has engulfed is all that are burdened with this unspeakable pain. the past can still haunt us cant it? one way or another it will come in the middle of the night and creeping and crawling back into our marrows, and the only way to defeat it is to find something happy in our lives that will out weight, but what happens to those who cannot find such strength? they perish i suppose, or live in eternal pain. is there a god? and where is he? will he help me?

life has certainly changed now that i am here, i have come so far but here has it taken me? many times nowhere, i'm led to chase my tail.

2001-09-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today:

English 1A
Poly Sci

tomarrow:

English 1A
Psychology Intro
Math 49

College is awsome. made some friends, got some study buddies, bought books, school supplies and a Times weekly.
Note to self: must find carpool buddy

2001-09-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

PAin! the issue of the day...- from some song i heard. if u were to know how i would sound like if i was to that rite now i woth sound likes a tow yea olds. i got a wishdom tooths pullths outs and its huuths. likes mads. haha,,, and crazy4Otown thinks i sound like mike tyson lol.. oh and deadlymarxist things i sound like a retarded kind. and my hunny thinks i sound like a person learning how to speak all over again. ... hmm those last two werent as nice...Pain.. i will go dwown myself in pain killers now...i wish i had stronger ones. maybe i'll just take more of the ones i have...lol jssssssssssttttt kiddin...i no stupids.

2001-09-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

due to current events i refuse to post. although i wish i had a drink. dont worry i remember. and no. i wont. i still love you.

2001-09-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

life teen mass has changed my life, its making more waves then i would ever imagened. its become a huge commitment in my life now. every week i'm going to bring some more of my friends so that they can experience for themselves why i feel it is such a big deal. i wont tarnish anyones notion of what it is about, only going to it themselves can they understand the effect that it has upon me and them as well.

i went to my first and last bible study today, next week is school and its going to take up my time except for saturday, sunday from 5-9 is devoted to life teen and life night.

tomarrow i might go up to deanza for a visit again, wed is unplanned and thurs will be the day of reckoning.... my first wisdom tooth comes out.

i expecet soup from everyone and straws too.. no chunky anything please. hehe...
friday...wow this whole week is just going to be full of surprizes then cuz i aint got plans yet.

2001-09-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

ekkk.. i'm unimployed now i cant beleive it, its only a week. oh well enough for me to buy my deck although it wont be installed untill tomarrow.

people keep giving me key chains everytime the come back from somewhere, las vegas, paris, reno, etc, as if i'll use it. hmm maybe i'll start collecting.

how can u mend whats been torn. i wish i knew. i think its simple, it cant be mended..

2001-09-13T23:52:00.000-07:00

as it hits me i am here in disbeleif on the monsterous acts that have occured. its sad what more can i add, i've read so many arcticles and heard so many reports and speeches from well known figures, and they have all complied with everything that i feel and what i want to say. only they do it better, so i figure i'll just leave it up to them to take care of it. i cant even bear to watch the news, i dont want to beleive it. it hits so hard, and it hits home. how can i sit at home and watch the tv, and see crying individuals and mothers mourning for her only son?

that night i got a phone call, tired and groggy, things just werent right, i rushed right over, and i was right, he was upset, no, he was a wreck, it scared the both of us, so i stayed with him all night, the stars were out and it was beautiful, there is glory after tragedy. he didnt want to loose me. and so i left it at that.

love is a beautiful thing.

work is work. i didnt do much today it was slow and i cant wait to get paid to buy a deck for my car, and among other things. i'm upset that i'm being blow off by some people lately, but hey thats their problem. i dont really care i feel good.

next stop: the cactus club

2001-09-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

a teddy bear i wanted months ago isnt going to make up for a lack of a lot of shit.

aside from that..i pray to the people whose lives were lost today in the tragic crashes. it truly makes me sick to my stomach.

2001-09-09T01:19:00.000-07:00

how to start a day? in traffic? ah yes. the only thing that keeps me awake is the dispaly of stupidity in morning drivers as they bob and weave to get ahead in traffic, only to end up where they starte; in front of me. or not let one car pass as the lanes merge, as if one fuckin idiot is going to hold u back, moron.

work isnt so bad, alot of things to do, never ending calls, orders, etc. lots of shiet to do.

how to end a day. a boyfrind who doesnt bother to call and lets me waste my precious time. i dont know today is the day, its one year and guess what, i work job A and job B. so oh well some anniversary eh? not feeling like the celebrating mood. he wonders why i drink from time to time.

a movie. i cant say which one, but it was a great one, shared with my friend andrew, i had a fuckin halarious time kickin it there, shooting the shit. its nice to talk, not argue, just shoot the shit like i said. i hate aruging, and debatng, yes about shit yes its fun, but sometimes and when it counts. not all the fucking time. why? beacuse its not fun when its too frequent. its tiresome, and it only prooves how different we are. why be different? i'm happy knowing i can share common things with people. i dont try hard to be special. becuase chances are it just annoys the fuck out of the person who knows your trying. some are speical, but on their own merrit, and thats ok because they're accepted. other then that i'm just fuckin tired at the moment so i think i will go to sleep. i never finished that movie, andrew woke me up and walked me home. i'll finish it tomarrow thats for sure.

2001-09-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

i started my new job today. its ok, a lil boring since i dont do much. its better that way.
went shopping, went bowling, spent all my hard earned money and not on myself. i hope that whoever i spent it on appreciates it.

dead tired but still walking about, not willing to sleep. anxious about tomarrow, tomarrow is not a big day, its nothing really, its just that i get to do the things i want when i want. i have a plan, a list of things to do, and knowing myself, i cant wait to accomplish the list. i'm nutty that way.

the job is easy but wears me out none the less. and monday i gotta be there early. and tuesday. i dont even want to see tuesday. its the 11th of sept. i'm not looking forward to it for other reasons. part of me is. the other knows, whats the point? i'm setting myself up to be disapointed anyways.

2001-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

today was a good day. worked out. sore. in a good way. volenteered. came home hung out with andrew. it was awsome had a great time. we watched office space together it was halarious especially when he turns to me and says "oh my god thats my life". hehe if u havent seent that, get it.

then he picked me some apples from his neighbors tree because i wanted them. he claimes that it was his since it was hanging above his side of the fence. lol ok i said. but i dont think the angry neighbor looking out the window with his shotgun knows that detail.

came home and now i plan to watch chasing amy. tomarrow..i dont know what lies ahead. good things and good weather i hope.

2001-09-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

i've got to change. more and more i have become dependent upon friends companionship. i feel lonely and the need to see people. i wasnt always like that. i use to like being alone. i liked being independent. somehow that shifted and now i'm trying to find that part of me again. because i have a feeling in college i wont be seeing friends around campus like i use to. having someone to talk to in a 2 yard radius minimum at all times.

today i woke up and did my errands hung out with chris. played 3 bucks of golf then hit it up with the gang at coffee lovers. talked to eric. i miss him. and thats all folks.

2001-09-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Southern California was nice. It was just good to get away from San Jose and everything that was making me crazy. The weather was intense and the scenery was beautiful. In two more years I will have a San Diego zip code. (hopefully). I miss my babies Lou and suzie…my golden and lab/chow. I miss playing fetch with lou, and I miss teaching su su things that every dog should know. She was so cute.

On the drive home I witnesses an accident. I saw the body under the yellow cover. It was frightening just knowing that there was a body underneath there, that that person was only breathing a few minuets or an hour ago. So I took a moment, prayed that it wasn’t someone that I knew, and that the person had someone to mourn for.

I can never get away from haunting memories. So to the best of my ability I push all thoughts aside and go back to sleep. It was a long night drive home.

2001-08-31T00:40:00.000-07:00

i went to the mall with phuong today. when we came back to my house, i saw my parents sitting at the dining table eating lunch together like they use to do before all the confusion hit. it was nice, so i just said a short hello and let them go on with their business, undisturbed.

happy.

the LA trip is still on and hopefully i'll have a friend on board too. Friday is so hectic. i have to pack and do countless things; visit a friend one last time, aaaaannnd a birthday party. not to mention i leave friday afternoon. i might as well go a fourth day without sleep.

friend gatherings are always so much fun, i'm not afraid to have fun. no one judges me. family is different. but anyways. linh-chi's party was cool, got to see people for one last time before everyone parts in seperate ways. its cool life is getting better.

i cant wait to see my cousins. i cant wait to see how big shes gotten with the baby. i cant wait to see the dog and how the house looks now. i just cant wait!

2001-08-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

as i kid i hated hospitals and i hated medicine. though now i still hate hospitals,medicine is the reason why i keep hope. it cures and it makes people feel better. my mom is feeling better. makes me happy. makes me come home just to give her pills only to leave again. i do at least that for her. i love her.

i dont know about LA anymore. i want my dad to go in my place he needs the vacation. pray that he agrees with me.

680 goes stright to Fremont. its awsome. i miss my cousins and i love them so dearly. we talked about th old times. so many stories. some good, some bad. but all in perspective.

Bagkok Thai Cuisine, is simply awsome to those who are lovers of spicy foods. i shit u now.

West Life is the most awsome singing group."i dont want to fight no more".

i'm home, safe and after 2 days of no sleep. i think i will try again tonight. i hope for success. i'm starting to look like i havent slept.

2001-08-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

its 5am. Somehow I cant sleep. i want to but my eyes wont stay shut. amazing how slow the nightly hours pass when its not spent sleeping. imagen all the things that can be accomplished if we never slept. then again i'm sitting here and i've done nothigns soo....

driving is awsome. i can go anywhere. its also a pain. rude drivers etc. especially when my radio does not work. thorn in my ass thats what it is.

its final i'm going to LA for Labor day. nothing much just visiting Andrews brother in cal poly and my cousin in Corona. maybe we'll hit palm springs but i'm not sure yet. Its not my plan, i'm just flowing with it.

2001-08-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

misery.

do you beleive in bad karma? i'm starting to. it must have been something horrible i did in my past life. like...be a thief or something. becuase today. it happen. i drove home numb. inside i thought i was dying. i had lost my checkbook wallet once again. i had forgotten it on the roof of my car. got in and drove. when it fell i wish i knew. i rushed back but it was too late. gone without a trace. my heartaches and i'm too embarssed to tell anyone. many things were in there. i hate myself. i lose things so easily. split seconds. shit happens non-stop.

at home things arent too hot at the moment. it gets worse everyday. everyday i lose a little hope. i finally went to chruch today. i dont remember anything much. like th sermon, or the readings. all i really remember is the nervous feeling that happened. i forced myself to pray. i prayed so long and hard. i had feared that i was losing my religion. i dont know still whats going to happen. but it hurt inside. why do bad things happen to good people? if i could ask god one question it would be this. why wont he help my family heal?

you know those grown people about 50 years old. they look un-normal and they walk around looking just out of it. like life has been way too unknd. i'll be like that someday. one day i just wont be able to handle it anymore and i'll totally and utterly snap then that will be then end of me. if i ever get to that point i hope that someone in their right mind will be so kind as to just put me out of my misery.

2001-08-23T01:35:00.000-07:00

I am. Buzzed.

2001-08-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

i haven't been feeling so hot these past few days. maybe i just needed to talk. i got that today from a new friend. it was unexpected. it was nice to have someone who really understood. he didnt just listen and nod his head. he felt it. and i felt his stories as well.

awe shit i'm tired nite ya'll...continue manana.

2001-08-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

it was saturday. something was off. Tori Amos caught my attention on the radio. 1,000 oceans was playing. its such a sad song just hearing it made me stop and think. then out of nowhere things went from sweet to sour. a fight with my mom turned everything ugly. i fled the scene and didnt come back till late that night. chris rescued me and i am so greatful. the weekend sucked. i was tired of everything. too many stones can make life just so tiring. pretending things were peachy was hard work. slowly things get better. a little more clear. other then that. all i'm looking forward to is the LFO concert this friday. can't hardly wait.

2001-08-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

College. how many chances in life do you have to make your dreams come true? i found that they eventually do come true. its important to reconize that they have. reflect on the journey that has been traveled and be proud.

today i started off the day with phone calls. got one from Mrs. J from SCU Law. lunch is in the sched for next week with her. Tim the publicist from Great America is kind enough to hook me and a friend up to the LFO performance. Awsome. press passes? hopefully.

I quickly found how competitive and how hard it is to get the classes i want. not getting what i want and need really blows. i'm making the best of what i can get. on a wait list for a class other then that its all good. it was hectic. running from place to place; coun. admissions, etc.

cooked. ate. watched a movie. ice cream. shopped. rollerblade, showered. dinner at Saigons... astronomy. i remember how much i still love it. i got to see for the first time out of a real telescope. i saw the glaxey, nebula, stars, constellations, clusters etc. ate french bread with a glass of water, leno. went home.

i spent the entire day with my good friend Jude. hes so great. we have alot in common and altough the day isnt hectic. we take our time with everything. somehow looking at the day we seem to have accomplished alot. its good to know that a good time with a good friend is still possible in a life that has no definit answers to where the future lies.

2001-08-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

This have been hectic and I haven't found any real time to blog. But if something is important enough. Time can be made.

friday was spent watching American Pie 2. then the gang drove to Roseville. things started off rocky but it smoothed over. Saturday was boring. though in the end i found my love for swimming. Sunday was an enitre 5 hours of river rafting. it was great. i'm nicely tanned cept for a slight sunbrun on the face. other then that i'm just dandy. monday till thursday will be spent at school for coun 100. school is starting to kick in to gear and its thrilling as well as nerving. though i am surviving. and doing it beautifully might i add. made couple of friends that i feel will be good ones.
been happy but in my moments i have been out of it a bit. missing deadlyfrog and not knowing what will come next in this realationship makes me depressed. i'm scared that i may along the line change what i want or lose myself. its going to hurt someone i love.

i miss golf too. i guess i'm just not feeling up to par these days. just going with the flow.

townsend you rock and ur oh so hot.

2001-08-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

yesterday: halfmoon bay, arrived late just in time to miss the sun, freeze our asses off in short shorts, and become saved by the bonfire. it was a nice little time. if it was warmer i'd like to have stayed forever, but it wasnt. it was dirty as well. campers near us offered pot but i declined. the guys offered me beer but only took a sip so they would lay off. could have gotten drunk off my ass but i thought about going back home and seeing the people i love and... basically you dont hurt the people you love.

today: i woke up at the crack of noon and watched some bad soaps. then headed over to maianhs to watch the mexican. hit the mall and spent 200. came home and got some pleasent calls.

tomarrow: pack.

2001-08-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

when i'm given the chance to really think about it. with a little help from friends... giving life a chance has not been a a dissapointment. it really is a beautiful thing. i'm happy. i can say that. isnt that wild.

2001-08-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

went out with john, and the crew tonite to watch rush hour, which kicks ass by the way. anyways before that i hung out with maianh and jude, took them golfing. maianh is addicted, jude is doing ok cept he prefers the cheeseburgers there. it was fun. oh and before that we kicked it at andrews house talkin to the brothers and wishing Tam a safe trip back to Pomona. i'll miss him. last summer it was andrew, this time it was Tam. i really got to know him better and hes a great guy. i hope he finds that perfect girl someday. he of all people deserve it soo much.

ok so the movie tonite. it was fun. I missed John and it was good to see him again. Although there were many times when i caught his attention not with me. it was distracting for me. but what else can i do. i hope to go out with him again soon. hes a nice person to be around.

"against my will i stand beside my own reflection."--i would love to know wat that really means. anyone got input?

2001-08-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

drove home from work today. was doing 70 and hoping my dad wouldnt yell..i looked to around and everyone was passing me. probably clocking 90. shit.. whats the rush? i did something today. i called shawn. i hate him now. he disgusts me. but i had to. for frog. i hope he appreciates the things i do for him. why i hate shawn? hes nuts. stalks me from far away. then calls to tell me i look good. i think i'll go out and buy pepper spray and a crowbar tomarrow. the pepper spray for me to smell good when i explain to the cop why i bashed the afghani's head in with the crow bar.

2001-08-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

yes...i think...i am...addicted to golf. its so pathetic, i walked into Copelands yesterday and i felt lightheaded from the excitment. golf equipment galor. it was great. if only every thing i picked up wasnt $299 for ONE CLUB! ah well they dont call it a white mans sport for nuttin.

i'm sittin here with a heavy heart. thinking of things i dont want to think about, thinking about things i dont know what to do about and i suppose that they are to private to share with anyone. just like to awknowledge that my heart hurts.

met a guy named Nathen, hes a friend of a friends brother, nice guy and first asian i've met in a long time that is really nice. has braces, i think its adorable. i've also been told that i'm the only one that thinks braces on a grown man is adorable. it is! isnt it? disconnected childhood things that we use to frown at, now we pay mucho money for.
--at least he doesnt hesitate to call.

went bowling friday nite and it was great. i didnt bowl to well--69...hehe seriously.. but it was fun still. free pint of chunky monkey cuz Nate works at alberstsons..hehe. i'd like to explain how they do this. he lugs all the stuff to check out. his friend runs it through. Nate gives him the 20 and he gets 19 in change back heh. so its free to me. watched movie at maianhs and he drove us all home... called deadlyfrog several times and he failed to pick up. you'll be sorry. it would have been a perfect oppertunity to hook up too. adds to the heart condition. all u had to do was pick up. so i talked to bano instead.

so this weekend i'm promoted to "Boss" at work today it was nice, customers were great but i dont care for the responsibility. just wanna have fun hehe. can't wait for my boss (mom) to come take it back hehe.

lifes a bitch..and then you die

2001-08-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

if i possesed the power to read peoples minds or just some minds of my choice, i think i would be the happiest person on the face of this planet. some people are just so secretive and private, yet i know so much about them. its odd. the things i know are what they choose to share, i want more.

what if i find my soulmate and then i screw it up?
what then? were they really it or is someone else it?
blah blah blah i know.

2001-07-31T02:09:00.000-07:00

golfing is my way of life now. i think i was born to golf. not too great at it but i found a great love for the sport, finding more things i like about it learning tricks and techniques here and there as i go along.

things are so-so. i mean life itself is good, just a lil too bored. as usual. i'm invited back up to Sacramento again. i want to go. although i dont know if i can. i'll have to wait and see. i'm gettin offers left and right to go places. however they involve sundays. and i work. wat a rut that is.

while watching ally mcbeal: lesson learned: relationships are like obstical courses, some over come them, some dont.

2001-07-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

its been 2 days and i've been bored as hell. cept for the short times i get to spend with some friends i'm bored. i miss being out on my own. doing things and meeting people. oh well. its just that i dont know what to do anymore. i have no other plans and it just sucks when my mind wanders here and there, and all i do in my day is wake up and watch bad TV. i'm too lazy to do anything cept go online. i guess i'm not at maximun happiness abilities is beacuse i'm annoyed. i'm annoyed at people who think they know me. and insist in telling me about myself when i so honestly tell them that NO. whatever it is, is not even an ounce of truth to who i am. its insulting. its not pride, its not egotism, and its not lying. its the honest gawddammned truth. there are thouse who knew me years ago. we dont talk on a daily basis so when we hook up again. they think they still know me as that person years ago. to some degree i am. and then how twisted it is for a particular asshole to think that i've changed beyond a doubt and with his self proclaiming psychologist attitude has the nerve to tell me that i'm a loser because i had once dreamed of being this and that and going to davis or stanford...though now i've chosen deanza. yes asshole i chose it. things happen, time and fashion changes. so does reality. i cant belevie how much frustration is pent up.

oh well life goes on. kellogs ceral. its greeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!.

2001-07-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

i'm finally back in san jose. its good to be back. i've missed the people most of all. the food and the sleep is the same everywhere. but the people you cant replace. life is busy and i'm so greatful for the small moments where u find urself back at square one. sitting on a couch at someones house kickin it and chatting up a storm with friends u feel like you've known forever. and in those moments time sets no boundries. those are truly the happiest times in my life.

2001-07-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

i'm posting from inside the mercury news building how cool is that ok i know i'm werid but its awsome to me. hey i'll work here someday

2001-07-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

i beleive this will be my last day posting here at the newsroom's mac. just as i was gettin the hang of using one. i know i will miss this palce. so much tears, sweat and laughter shared here. i will never forget the two eight feet sups that Lori ordered the first day. the ones that lasted till now. i'll be back

2001-07-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

monday and tuesday were major deadline days, as this program comes to an end the paper is now being finalized, my story might make front page i'm hoping for the best. things have been great, i'm so use to living here it feels like i've lived here for weeks or months. i'm going to be sorry to leave but all goo d things must come to an end.
monday night it was also my first time playing DDR. it got fun when i started gettting a little better. Robbey, a staff memeber, says i've got serious rhythem. i picked it up from dancing with hot black guys at the tropicana. lol.
Ryan my photog for O-Town is such an asshole. he refuses to show me the 12 rolls of film he took of them. but finally i stole the townsend pic from him. so now i have a townsend pic with the guys i'm happy. they're great.

i'm pissed at Ryan so my staff and i are plotting to steal the negatives from his sweet little green pack. its hard because he guards it so well. that stupid little troll...
tomarorw we visit the mercury news building and i get to sleep till noon!!!!
i'm bored if anyone is up to doing anything i'm down.

2001-07-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

sunday was the kick back day for me i woke up at noon and basked in the glory of being alone. i love waking up and being all by myself. its just very serene. i hooked up with maianh and we chit chatted away like usual. missed her much. i told her all my stories about the otown concert. which by the way was nice. i got to meet some hot guys in a band callled towsend. anyone want to check it out the site is, townsendboys.com and my fav guy is matt hes so sweet.

i rendevoued with chris and then picked up my raincheck with John. we went to dinner and a movie. it was very nice and relaxing. i cant wait to hang out with my bud again.

right now i got a deadline, 2 to be exact but i'll survive, i've been doing so since i've got here. theres never a dull moment at the mosaic news room. and of course we do all this bonding that has given me the chance to become chummy with everyone on a personal level. its awsome i tell you.

i wont say too much about otown, but if anyone wants to read what happen, then email me with your name and address and i'll send u my article. linda_34@hotmail.com

and for more tid bits of the shit that went on just email me asking for it. heheh. needless to say i got the best seats in the house. is great being press you can walk anywhere and everyone has to let you all because i wear a stupid tag that says "press". its sweet it really is.

2001-07-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

last night after all the chaos of finishing up my DUI story, the entire group went to America Fest in Downtown San Jose, dinner was a bust, but after that we walked downtown to where the fireworks were being displayed. i could not beleive that i have lived 18 years and have never done what i did last nite. fireworks exploded into flying angels right over my head. i have never been so close in my entire life. there were moments where i was in a trance, just simply amazed at its beauty. children watch with eyes wide open mouths hanging. i wanted to stay there forever.

my first column's deadline is today at noon. pray i editor doesnt eat me alive.

2001-07-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

i'm here using a ugh..i dont want to say it...a Mac to post.. its killing me but i'm so tired, bored, and going insane that i need a break and go back into the little things i use to do. like post. so far i've met some pretty cool people. some of the advisors are not bad and beside the fact that i'm tired and my bed squeeks, and there are gun shots in the middle of the night i'm kool. i'm doing 3 stories so far and i wanted to do 4 but they refuse to let me saying that its too much plus they moved things up 48 hours so that they would ensure that if i didnt want to kill myself before i would surely want to do one now. i accidently pitched them the "Ryan" story and it was a mistake they want it but i'm not sure if i want to take that trip on memory lane and retrace it for them. its a Column, for those of u who dont know what that it, its like an opinion. i hope to god that i get a press pass to interview O-town, becaues if not i will surely be disappointed. the last one is the Leukemia thing. maybe i'm in over my head i'm not sure. all i know is i cant wait till this is over so that i can return to my party mode. i'm not quite out of it and thats the problem i crave to sleep till noon and do nothing but wait for the surprizes a day would bring.

2001-07-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

today is the day i leave perhaps for 3 weeks now since i will go visit deadlyfrog for a week right after, i owe it to him and things should prove to be interesting. i wont blog for a long time. maybe i'll try to keep data and whoever reads this can expect a mountain of bloggin the day i get back. well to whoever you may be be safe have fun and always remember to smile. dont wait till tomarrow because before you know it you'll be 28 to dont waste time today. just dont do anything stupid like get wasted drunk off ur ass so much that you hurt the people you love most. trust me on this one. aite people. i love you all and i'll be back.

out.

2001-06-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

blogged yesterday but the stupidity of aol caused some sort of error and i lost my data. oh well. i fugured i should blog since i will be leaving soon. not to far and not to long but still i will be away. today was almost uneventful. if it wasnt for the passing of a placement test, the offer of a easy job, an unexpected visit from deadlyfrog, the confirmation of a date sat, and the gift of a new dog, the day would have been a total waste. oh yeah and i was told i got taller. ^o^joy

2001-06-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

i didnt realize this till now but mentally i'm very tired. of stuff. i just wanna have fun dont want to think of no mumbo jumbo. in a few days i'll be gone for more then 2 weeks. on a trip that will stress me out as i have to tune myself in to accomplishing goals. its starting to catch up with me. i''m feeling the anexity. i dont know how its gonna be there. if anyone will like me. most of all. will i be able to write. i've been discouraged because i've been told that my english sucks ass and that i'm slow. i use cliches too much theres nothing truly interesting about me and i'm "dull". yeah i mean its honesty but does it have to hurt so much. is hard enough improving myself day by day. now i have someone making a list for me.

the day is over fast and the furious was awsome. total rush. i didnt expect a plot like most idiots so i got alot out of it. its a racer movie for cryin out loud .

its time to tuck myself in.

2001-06-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

today something was off. i dont know i dont feel as fantastic as i did oncce. it was comming the whole high and low thing. just like drugs except for the killing of the brain cells. i lost the kitten today. someone just plucked toby while i wasnt looking and walked off with it. he was so kind and cute. friendly to all and that was his weakness. i kinda miss him now. i snuck him in the house last nite. he rolled up rite next to me, purred till i feel asleep. now hes gone and my bed is empty again. now i miss toby, mulan, sunny, poly and all the great pets i had.

i went to my neighbors and left my pager at home. no one has called me all weekend so i thought a couple hours without it wont hurt. but someone did page, and two hours later was too late. i feel like such an ass. maybe its a sign. lately i've become confused. i'm not sure i know what i want anymore. it scares me that i'm doing so well on my own. i dont feel as if i need anyone at the moment. silence, distance, misunderstandings that lead to instant loud reations does not help.

everywhere i turn theres an argument. friends, family, it hurts everytime. how can they be prevented? they should never start in the first place.
here i am babbleing about this and that. whats really bothering me i wish i knew. this is what happens when i'm not happy, i babble about the most trivial shit. oh well
lost my kitty!
he responds to toby, hes black with white in the middle like an oreo, whiskers like a catfish and sleeps alot. oh and loves fried rice, if you've seen him email me at Linda_34@hotmail.com

2001-06-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

u know the drill. parents fight i get to stay out late as i want. i'm thinking of throwing myself a late late birthday party to get some presents. i never really got much. my new CAlifornia Id actaully looks decnet for once in my life. nothing else to day. started gettin chummy with the neighbors again they thought i had died. no i said, i was just heibernating. my "neighbor" is actually kind to me, polite and all..i wonder how long it will last till he shows his asshole side again. tired, work manana. meeh out.

2001-06-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

me not posting is a good sign people. i'm happy with my life. as of now i truly am. i got friends who are there always so that i am never alone. i got a boyfriend that loves me (i hope) just kiddin. hehe (sorry for waking u last nite)..

hmm ...grad nite. disney land nite clubs rocked my world never have i loved dancing so much! every where i turned there were beautiful people and i danced and danced till i was delerious it was so awsome. i also out use the word "awsome" in this page. but i love it i dont know theres no other word like it its just simply "awsome"

i've been enjoying my summer like crazy no school no real work just me, sleep and a couple of croonies gettin drunk gettin laid. lol. jk. i dunno i dont know what else to say. my days consist of making myself happy. cept for the urban journalism thing for the mecury news that i'll be writing for. i cant wait to dorm for a whole 2 weeks! damn away from home, the world its gonna be a blast. all expense paid.
i cant wait to hit all the clubs this summer. nothing will compare to disney land but i just in the mood to dance. maybe i'll meet some one cute to get my freak on... ohh shit i'm starting to sound like mai-anh more and more. note to self hang arong her less. lol i'm just stoked at the moment no i'm not high. maybe, on life.

2001-06-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

sorry soky i havent updated fast enough for ya...gotta bounce meeting some people for some fun. drop me a line later and we'll meet tomarrow.

2001-06-17T02:48:00.000-07:00

GRAD NITE ROCKS
(willl post more later due to deleriousness caused by lack of sleep and rude buss mates)

2001-06-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

"Through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness. Only light can do that."
-M.L. King
that was from a friends profile its so beautiful.
i saw peter today last years graduate, hes so mature and different. college did that to him. he was so annoying and stupid last year i miss that side of him. =) i've met so many people at Yb...since my freshmen year, the seniors were so nice to me..now i'm a senior, or was....
i graduate tomarrow and on the same note i'm packing as well. i wish i could look out into the crowds tomarrow and see Chris. but hes working and its all good. i'm nervous and scared. its funny mrs. baker saw us on campus and said how ironic it was that before all we wanted to do was get out of school, and now when we are for good, we dont want to leave, lingering around campus soaking in as much of it as we can, the people and the memories. i kept saying..."this is the last time i'll sit at this desk..this is the last time i'll hang out here.. this is the last..." its the end.
i know i'll be all teary tomarrow. this morn i came to grad practice and saw mr Foehr. if u treat him well he's the best ally that you can have. on my last day i turned in my last essay for his psychology class. it was suppose to be one of this ''lets kill time" papers.. but i ended up writing like 7 pages instead. it was about everything. i wante him to know everything about me and why i am who i am. we have quite a relationship and i wanted him to finally know the real linda. no one knows her i think. hehe i dont know her. anywyas...he saw me this morning and just hugged me and i looked at him as i saw more tears in his eyes. gosh...no one would beleive me becase they're like MR FOEHR? YEAH RITE!!!!! "ok ok maybe hes getting soft in his old age" hehe. nah. we're his seniors now and forever....
but i'm a freshmen now...again...i'll miss YB...the place that brought all of us togethe. i'll miss lauging about stupid things and walking to class with a whole herd of gigggling, bubbly people. i'll miss those individual teachers that became my family. and treated us like people. high school was the worst years and the best years of my life.

2001-06-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

i told John that i'm giving up WMA. i may come back to it years from now. my main proggative is school. anything else will just contribute to time away from it. i'm giving up a chance to work with the best of the best. though they assured me that i will have another oppertunity with them.
i hate ebay's aution thingy and the stupid bidding and the stupid people who keep outbidding me!!! like i have time to sit there for hours waiting and bidding and UGHHHHHHHH!!!!........

2001-06-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

high school life has come to a close. friday was the last day of school. today was the senior picnic. the last class event i'll ever attend as the class of 2001. in 6 days my best friend goes back to mossouri. i'm missing her already. took a chem test for college sat. i think i crashed and burned. oh well. taking bio wont hurt.

some days i got it. some days i dont. some days i feel like a nut some days i eat them.

advice: for people who leave you voice mails and you dont know what they want. its easy. call them back.

2001-06-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

today is a step up from yesterday. i finally got a call again from john. its so weird hes so clueless from the things that have been happening in my life. then again alot of people are. good to know though he still cares and he doenst hesitate to remind me of the old us.

people have been asking me about a certain someone, wondering, curious. and its made me think more and more about him and now i wait happily for a visit from Sat. morn.

sometimes i feel as if i...could not ask for more.

2001-06-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

i've got this sudden erie feeling tonite. its the panicking kind that i get when i feel that time is running out. the kind of feeling that something bad will happen. or the thought of failing a test. its that feeling in the pit of the stomach. yech!

anyways i'm ditching school for a field trip to alcatraz tomarrow. its last minuet i wasnt gonna go but my teacher called me a cop-out. so i guess reverse psychology works. i gave fianls as an excuse not to go. he yelled at me and said this is ur only chance and why are u making it so damn hard?? lol what a hoot. how can i refuse a man who is retiring? i just simply cant.

another grinding day

2001-06-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

Drive-Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around. But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found. So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. Yeh. Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive? Would you choose water over wine.... hold the wheel and drive?

as i saw my friend today in class. he made me think things i thought i had forgotten. he wasnt afraid to show his affection towards me. he wasnt afraid to let people know that we are great friends. hes not afraid to give me hugs and tell me how he'll miss me when i'm gone. hes not afraid or shy because there is nothing to be shy of. hes found the key to showing closeness. truth is no one cares. its not like we're necking for the world to see. its nice to have open affection in such away that it does not affend anyone. rather it assures them that you are happy and comfortable. hes such a sweet guy. has little money but with what he has he buys his new girlfriend little things to show that he's thinking of her. he says "its not like i really need the money for anything, i've got love and good heath". wow how time and experiences change people. i met him only a few short months ago in Law class. he was this silly immature guy who picked on me becuase i was not a morning person. now he has changed and has found simplicity.
4 more days till its the end of H.S. this week is not just another week. its not "oh the crap, lets look forward to the weekend week"...its real now. its what we daydreamed about as kids. what do u do when ur dreams come true? now i will have to come up with more i guess...

Dates:
Last Day of School 6.08.2001
Sr. Picnic: 6.11.2001
Grad Practice: 6.12.2001
graduation: 6.13.2001
Grad Nite: 6.14,15,16,17.2001

2001-06-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

i was helping a customer. i was smiling as i turned my head. i guess someone thought i was smiling at him so he smiled back. korean, white and philip. has the brightest smile. Rick was his name. i got nervous and i ran away. silly i guess. but he chased after me and asked for a name. just as i was about to lie with a fake name i was saved by a customer. his friend attempted to talk to me instead. i had to tell him i was happily take. like i was telling someone, someone comming up to me is nerve racking enought, i dont know how people can be the ones talking to complete strangers and asking for numbers, no matter how subtle. i alwasy seem to feel its awkward, and on some levels degrading. its not my style. its something i could never do, maybe on a dare.
dont even think about it!

2001-06-03T00:50:00.000-07:00

last dance "unforgettable" it started out great and midway it was kind of crapping out on me. things happening, drama, my date was MIA. then the end...it got better. it ended perfectly as i found my friend/date, Jason and we slow danced to "follow me", i'll be there, and graduation by vitamine C. we both sung along and he made it a magical moment. he didnt kill it and stop or anything he just let the moment flow. it was great. hes such a good friend to me. we ended the nite after alot of good bies and good bye hugs. i've come out a little confused but i know i will sort things out soon.

i saw my "special" friend today ...came back from Roseville, as always things start out rocky but smooth over. he says its another 30 days till i'll see him again. or 7 days im not sure.

the cofusion grows stronger

2001-06-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

took my best bud caly to school today i had a blast. we joked and talked spent quite some time in MUN as mr.4 did not fail to amuse us with his humor. took a test failed it. nearly cried as my team so ROYALY FUCKED UP everything that i had worked so hard on. i'm gone for 2 days and my RC car seems to fall apart. only gawd knows why i deserve this. i surely dont.

honors night it was awsome. i got things i didnt know i was capable of. everyone seemed to look so proud of me. so i say i'm not a screw up after all and life does have its rewards. it was all very nice but the greatest moment was when a certain club advisor embraced me so graciously and said that through all the crap he gave me i never gave up and i survived. then he did what gawds do. he walked away..u know, that kind of leaving me in awe kind of exit.

met greg mann again. the solectron dude also seems to have alot of connections to UC San Diago, my future school. so i'll give him a call. time goes by, people and fashion change, some people i saw again today said i was irreconizable, its the hair i say, its short hehe. they say i grew up. and i'm like WHOA MAn slow down, i'm still me... i think. but ihere am making phone calls to people like Greg Mann, a big kahuna in the sea of academic connections.
yeah yeah i can picture all u college ppl saying wow big deal. yeah, big deal but see, everythign should be big and memorable. otherwise, we'd have big gaps in our lives filled with nothingness. so months form now this all will be nothing. no big deal. but i'll look back and remember how happy i was at this moment, this second. and i'll be taken back and remember who i was. i need this, we all do, because in the end all we have is our old wrinkley selves and our memories. the more memories the less i'll think and bitch about my wrinkles.

linda out.

2001-06-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

Wed May 30 2001

what a rush! Hiking uphill over rocks sand 3 hours later i'm at the bottom of hetch hetchy waterfall diving my whole head into the freshest sweetest water i have ever set my lips upon i was for a second in heaven. Yosimite was the first camping experience i ever had and it was awsome. that was the first day.
the second day we witnesses a rock climber doing Mt. Capitan. the largest rock in the world. i would take her several more days hanging off the rock and sleeing in mid air before she reached the top. i wanted to shake her hand.
later we went on to misty trails as we hiked to veral falls. it was vertically sloped and for the first time i wanted to give up. nature was a bitch and she wanted to swallow me alive. but somehow we didnt. it was awsome on the way up we were only yards away from the massive waterfall the mist from it drenced me from head to toe. i no longer needed to shower.
finally after 2 hours we reached the top and i wanted to collapse. but the view was so exquiste we stopped for an hour to take pictures. i sat on a log that hovered right over the streaming waters of the fall. i took a picture going up. now i got to take a picture looking down 3,000 feet.
saw some animals but no bears. told ghost stories till everyone was scared shitless and went to bed.
it was incredable, i had a good moment every moment. back at camp we all sat around the bonfire to joke and talk. cooking skills came in handy and leadership skills were needed to make people clean up after ya cooked hehe. as a senior its my first and final year doing this. but i got invited to join again next year probably as a chaperone. i'm down. all i want now is to develop my 3 rolls of film.
i close my eyes at night and i can taste the perfect water on my tongue, i can feel the bonfires heat, i can hear the constant gayly laughter, and i can feel the grasp of my friends hand as we help eachother go up and down from trails. i didnt fall once.

Yosemite 2001

2001-05-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

11 more days of school

2001-05-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

i guess i lost track of time today. as i looked around then at the clock it was 5 mins past 3pm and everyone had gone home as the bell had rung sometime ago. so i was there alone with no ride home. so with some conflicting struggle i decided to just walk home. it was some pretty bitchin hot weather. 45 mins later here i am. its better then being the "bum" that uses people for rides.

recooperating.

2001-05-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Finanace: (candidate)--"if there was one thing i could change about MUN is the way the concessions are so unorganized"...
--lol if only then really knew how hard it is. how much time i invest, how much i get chewed out by Mr. 4 when i'm too busy to make time for a club. funny those same people running for my position next year never offered to help me when i was struggling. only nagged me for "ME ME ME"....but hey i hope that they do get the position. so that they know. sometimes no matter how much u try to explain to a person how things are..they may know it. but they will never be able to feel it, taste the bittersweet sweat untill they've become entangled in the web of truth itself.

i lost my wallet yesterday. blogger was down too! SO MAD. its ok... just my life was in that wallet. EVERYTHING was in there! it scares me that this person who stole it knows my name, my address, my SS#. what school i go to, what i bought, my pictures. ugh it disgusts me how people can be so heartless. it takes a second to steal but a lifetime to redeem what is lost. for me, my heart will always drop when i think that it only took one second for my life to just become an open book to whoever choose to take it.

i run out of stress or anger or frustration. but i have small lungs i hate it. collapsed today after running 8 mp/hr on the tread mill for 30 mins when i can really only do 5 with breaks every 15 mins. i could feel every breath a struggle to be let in. i closed my eyes and i saw this irredecent greenish, yellowish light, i knew then i was hullucinating. i saw my own eyeball, all the veins, the back pupil. it was so empty without life, the way lains eyes looked. ran so long i lost my breath ran so far i lost my way.

today was the last day of elementry teaching for econ class. i taught 5th graders with jude. the kids loved us. i never knew how kids could be so affectionate. they were so sad we were leaving some gave me gifts, letters, pictures, things they made. it was so awsome. they hugged me and didnt want to let go. i could still hear them echo "dont leave us" only 5 times i visited. it only took that much for them to love us. i miss them. jude and i started to reminice about the kids. Ola was this black kid that was smart as hell but got in trouble alot by the teacher. i dont know why he was so awsome. Iftug was pretty as hell and she was the sweetest thing i ever seen. Lisabeth was bright, colorful and collected stickers like me when i was young. steph, was shy and pretty, myra was miss attitude but only to the boys, gosh theres so many more, georgina, i wont forget them. Mr. 4 said it was extrodinary that 5th graders were like so. i hope years from now i'll read the paper and i'll see, "OLA" successful business man saves orphanage. hehe. that would be my greatest reward.

12 more days of school.

2001-05-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

the sunburns gone, prom is a memory, the fats lady's sung. prom could me summed up into one word: Perfection. well there were some lil dinks here and there but all in all i cant complain. this marks the beginning of the end. what a turn life is going to take now. graduation is three weeks away.

i cut my hair yesterday its soo short. i havent done something like that in three years. i said once that a woman changes her hair when shes gone through a change in life. i guess it kind of symblizes all the changes this year has brought me. i didnt really think of it much at first. closed my eyes and let the stylist cut away.

its sunday i'm tired but nervous, people are depending on me to get some final finance things done for MUN but i'm sooo lazy...

7 more days till i'm chrisless. he doesnt seem to mind as much as i do. he doesnt want to talk about it. oh well

..."lying in the dark, so close together, didnt know just what i had. now i toss and turn cuz i'm without you, how i'm missing you so bad."...-keroke rock heh.

2001-05-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday ME!
i should be happy. i am somewhat. i'm waiting though. the person i want most to wish me a happy birthday forgot and went to bed. it would have made a shitty day worth living for. things like this make me doubt how much i am worth to somemone. it makes me doubt what i really want. they say that you have to let go of what you want in order to know what is really real.
although i'm more sad then ever this year on my birthday i will try hard not to cry. i'll brush this off. after all its just another stupid day out of the year who cares if i get wished a happy birthday anyways

2001-05-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a fine day. things went well and i didnt screw up once. i'm all sunburnt from Great America. i hope it heals in time for prom. i dont want to look like a tomato in the pictures. finally i'm feeling more like myself, more complete and content. the only thing ruining me now is if suddenly the Mosaic decides to reject me from the journalism program. i doubt that they love me hehe. sadly i turned down a weekend in Corona with my loving cousin becuase graduation is too near and i dont want to be away at that time. we decided that they would rather have me for a whole week vs. the weekend its just to rushy. i miss LA and corona so much. i'm dying to be there again. this summers calender seems to be filling up fast. there are so many things i want to do!!! i just hope i dont have to choose between anything. i hate that. i'm still mourning over my free matchbox 20 ticks. hehe its allllll good.
shawnbaby you dont love and me you know it. waiting 2 years for me was an enevitable thing that you had to do. be real. i'm a cold hard ass bitch. i dont deserve it.

2001-05-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

i think i did poorly on the AP test. i dont need to pass it anymore. but my writings were bullshit. i can feel it. i'll be lucky to even have a score. i couldnt help it. my mind was so disorganized and out of focus. i just couldnt squeeze out any creative ideas. it pissed me off but just as fast i brushed it off.

went to rent a tux today for my date. it cost a pretty penny. lets just say i'll never see that essay prize money. i anticipated today. i thought it would be nice to meet up with df again. but things didnt work out too well as i saw his inability to be nice and my hot temper was a bad combination. he may not care when i piss him off but i care when he pisses me off. this prom thing is hoovering over me and i cant move on. i'm so uneasy right now. i kept daydreaming about prom and how nice it will be. to go with someone i know and like. though now i wish i had just gone with my initial plan and forgot about it. though now its too late, i've investing half a grand in it i might as well have some memories to take home with me. and i can say Yes i went to my Sr. prom and i hated it. some people cant even say that because they never went to it.

i cant forget...wont someone tell me what to do?
my blogs are longer and longer more and more boring. but no one reads it so oh well...

2001-05-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

i think after all this time things are finally closed between df and i. key term "think". he seems to be gettin on with his life and having a lot of fun. after the fiasco calmed down and i had time to think. i realized what i wanted now...except what i wanted. the way i felt became more sure and real. people change. i did. but that doesnt matter how much i change anymore, or what i want. i'm driving on a one way street now. so is he. after prom i'll let him go. wont bother him anymore. and i'll get on with my life too. diana and freds break up made me realize that just because your not together. or just because they've done something that makes you dislike them. it doesnt diminish the fact that you still love them. no doubt love is strange..."if you love someone let them go"
all in all today was good, English AP test is manana but i'm not sweating because i got into EWART 1A for college so i'm stoked. now i know for sure i'll transfer within 2 years time. i'm working out and feeling better. the unhealthy feeling i've had for quite sometime now is slowly leaving.

caesar chavez lunch thing is the day before my birthday. cant wait. and my birthday? doubt anyone remember or cares cept my buddy Di. of all my friends i'm the youngest. this is the big 18. the closes thing i ever came to a surprize party was last year, when one by one everyone came over, the door bell kept ringing. it was awsome.

Monday: AP test, Get Tux
Tuesday: ?
Wed: Psy Prestentation, econ presentation
Thurs: ?
Friday: Physics day Great America

2001-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

I’m so close to the edge. Grabbed the keys and would have left. But I told myself I’d never run away again. so I stayed. It was like a family therapy session and I was the therapist. There was not talking. Just screams and shouts some are my own. Two hours later I realized that they weren’t arguing to resolve anything. They were doing to hurt each other. How much more can I bear? I wished today the earth would just engulf me. Everyone has noticed a change in me and I saw it in myself already. But when strangers tell me “Linda you look sick” and every second I’m not smiling there are traces that say I’m sad. I use to be able to hide it so well but time is telling me I can’t anymore. I’m waking up and I wish I could go back to sleep. I sit in school only to wait till the clock strikes 3pm so I can get the hell out of there. The WMA trainer told me something I kept thinking about ever since. He said, “if you don’t feel good about who you are, its high time something changes. You have to feel good before you do anything.” My friend Fred reminded me that I’m a good person and I should not look down on myself. It’s hard to be so optimistic when optimism takes you nowhere because the people you want to share it with don’t see it. I’d give anything in the world to take my parents back to the days where they threw me a huge birthday party and invited everyone young and old. Or the time we went to Livermore with some friends and my dog Candy. I remember hiding my huge dog under the seat to save a buck or two. I remember tailing my daddy everywhere wrapping my hand around his pinky because that’s all I could hold on to with my small hands. Palms smelly and sweaty but we would never let go. As I grew to love arts and crafts I would come home everyday after school and go to the fabric store with my mom, as she taught me everything she knew about being a seamstress. I don’t know when things became so complicated. But I’d give anything to feel my feet in the warm sand, to look to my right and see my mom, and look to the left and see my dad. To share a simple moment together. Those are the things I remember.

2001-05-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

my stalkers brother told me that the stalker was trying to be my "friend" because he felt "sorry" for me. he had awhile back done something stupid to me which he supposidly feels sorry for. can anyone smell a dumbass???

wrote for caesar chavez essay contest, scored me some couple hundred pocket change cash. a phone call yesterday reminded me that yes i still have friends that i can turn to just for anything. my best friend is going through a break up that was just as horrible as mine. its nice that she knows she can just come over and cry and i can be there. her ex is my friend too. so sleep was far away last night.

how am i these days? too lazy to lift a finger, too lazy to have fun. no matter how much sleep i get its not enough. i think i'm dying. i have an urge to smoke weed and drink. what an image

2001-04-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

its hard to think about but we are always going to have some sort of dissatisfation in our lives. i just seem to have more then others.

i am lucky (if you call it luck) to always seem to meet people who trust me with thier lives. people i barely know would rely on me. it scares me. they seem to know that i would not screw them over. though somehow i'm alwasy screwing up my own life. i'd rather it be the opposite way but oh well .
today i got to know some friends a little bit better. i'm glad friendship forms wherever i go. i just cant seem to maintain the ones that i already have. a few dont want to be my friend. some just want me to be their friend when its "convienent" some dont want to work on the friendship because they dont care--not caring is the worst thing that can happen to a person. you become a different person. it scares me. to know that i have changed in some way and not for the better.

2001-04-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

dezertrowzw: silly silly minh ok lets read your sonnet.
HiMinh: "You have any Grey Pupon?" asked the cat,
"Maybe it will go well with my toy mouse."
I asked to the cat, "What the heck is that?"
The cat asked, "Why are you wearing a blouse?"

A word that does not rhyme with dog is feet
But one word that does rhyme with dog is log
And a word that does rhyme with feet is wheat
But wheat is not a word that rhymes with dog

I am walking on the street looking down
Trying to chase my running stretched shadow
I bump my head into an ugly crown
Thought myself king with this weird green paddle

Waking up from this extremely weird dream
I thought to myself how weird yours might seem