Monday, February 03, 2003

Before you delve into thoughts, picture yourself out on your porch, on a summer afternoon. You feel the warm breeze, as you listen to its whistle on the leaves. Above you the gentle sun shining down as you feel its touching rays. With a breath, you kick off your shoes, lick your lips and close your eyes. And you leave them there, and you yawn and sigh, and slowly fade away

Saturday, October 12, 2002

I think i'm going nuts. Last nite i went to a party. and for once, i actually met this gut Frankie. hes pretty cute, acts a lil gay but sweet as hell. i think i'm really sprung. I've got such feelings i cant describe. Excitement, yet at the same time its been awhile and i'm scared, i'm not so good at playing the game anymore. And i keep wondering if he'll remember me after the hangover. its crazy i woke up this morning thinking about him, how close we were last nite, but its the alocohal and i know it. (dont be stupid linda--relax). the back of my mind, it kissed dating good bye, you said a catholic guy, you said, no more bullshit from shitty men. but then again, my heart tells me how much i want to be held by someone, and love someone.
the party ended early and we were all suppse to come back to the appartment. but we went home instead. its just as well. monday, we'll see if he still remembers me.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

I'm moving to SD. yup, for some reason that nite when my dad told me to just leave, it striked a nerve in me. it wasnt really like life shattering. it was more like...pushing me to seek new oppertunities. i prayed long and hard, i cried so much, i was so lost and confused, i longed so much to feel the presence of the holy spirit run through me again. i was so desperate, and so lost without him. so then it came, not so perfectly but slowly. at first as i got back from SD, all signs just seemed to point to DONT GO! but as i kept on sticking to it, and meditated on it...things are finally fitting into place. there are still minor details i have to worry about. but i know that he is with me and will work things out for me. sigh...i've had these lapses where i just dont pray for days. but it always comes back full fledged. its good to come back. sigh. tomarrow is my core retreat, my frist retreat ever and i cant seem to sleep. i pray that it goes well.

Monday, August 12, 2002

ITS 330 in the morning, i've suddenly got so much on my mind rite now sleep is the last thing on my mind. my dad came storming out as i cam home an hour ago. pissed of what a bad child i am. wants me to kick me out. wants me to apply to college far away and go away. so i sit here and i'm seriously considering it. i'm scared. its getting late and fall quarter is fastly approaching. finances are unstable, the future scares the hell outta me, and i'm just drowing right now. i'm scared, i dont know what to do. i know my cousin would be willing to help me, but then again thats not making it on my own, thats just jumping from one family to another. i think i will give another shot at true independence. i know that there are plenty of other people who have it worst, who unlike me have no one to help them when things get really really bad. i know if i just ignore my dad things will all be peachy but i feel that i shouldnt do that this time. if i move, what then?

Friday, July 05, 2002

i got piss ass drunk last nite...without realizing it i must have taken like 12 shots...more then i could stomach. boy was it crazy. christina was off getting violent for her car keys. frinking glass cleaner and biting greg. christine was paying hommage to the porceline god and so was i...either that or passed out. i said it once but i'll remind myself again "I will never drink like that again!!!"
things are in a funk between evan and everyone...i'm mad at Jon a lil for being ignorant and i'm just glad that god pulled me out of harms way before i could seriously damage myself.

I feel tremendous guilt for doing the things i've done. i need confession... but i'm scared. truth be told i havent gone since my first communion. i didnt attend mass and i need to confess my wreckless love life. I dont think i'll be able to do these old things anymore. i'm getting back into my faith and these things dont seem to mix so well anymore they use to seem fun, but now they just seem stupid and pointless. its like walking around in a circle. i have to get back to beyone what feels good to what is good.

Monday, June 24, 2002

so we talked...and a week later here i am.. doing quite well actually now that i know for sure that we're just friends and i am no longer confused. i just dont know when i'll be able to get him outta my system for good.. i guess when ppl stop asking me how things are going and how am i holding up...i'm perfectly fine. i got my change to talk.. i got my questions answered... and i got my closure. it was all i really needed to move on. it hurted like hell...but if it didnt then i would have been worried. its nice to feel..even if its not a good feeling. its a way of keeping track of wheather or not ur alive. pluse is running, heart is beating..yup i am very much in tact. now the question normal will things be when i finally see him again...well i miss my buddy and i'm willing to try hard to keep this friendship alive.. its all i got going...and quite frankly its all i really need.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

Sittin here at Jon's. the sleep dept, and emotionally drawn out day has worn me down and now i'm feeling a little stressed out. Anexity causes countless problems I wont ever care to name them. I'm sittin here waiting for an extremely important email. Seconds that go by seem like hours, and my mind is no longer functioning normally, it has.. offically switched to crack for energy.

With myself I'm ok... with this new interest i'm just not ok. confused because i get hearsay from friends. confused because there is no intuition telling me this guy feels for me that same way. i havent pursued any further, but i might have to if i dont get any answers soon. i'm tired of wondering, i'd rather know.

the old flame. he never made it quite to the bf status, therefore he never made it to the ex status, therefore we never had any intimate history. i think shawn hangs on to me because hes still wondering and wanting what might have been. but all i can see is what he is now.. pathetic and demented. four wives, and two kids laters he is now working at the local pizza hut. too embaressed to come in his white collar "pizza hut" shirt, he greets me with his undershirt. he misses the part where i can see the red heat trapper bags in the back, and the shirt draped on the passanger side seat. demented? he still thinks hes the shits and that deep down i want him. i wish but i just think hes unfuckable (curtosy of margaret cho). sigh... but god willing, i will be able to not see him and have to say all these mean things about him. but god willing, i will be able to say what i do...and that we will never have to talk after this. we agreed never to talk again... or at least i did. i think its best to walk our seperate ways.

Saturday, June 01, 2002

The day started out great, meditation..i never knew how to do it till now.
However not so later i lost myself i dont know where i went.
I bitched out someone i didnt even know. So much anger festered inside, so shocked, and hurt FOR my friend, i wanted to say the things that he was too nice to say. was it a mistake? i'm not sure, feels like it might have been...wrong for me to stick my nose into bussiness that wasnt my own. but then it had to do with someone a cared about so then does his business become mine? do i own that right? it sure felt like i did at the time. when it comes to friends, where do we draw the line to what our business is and is not?

In a fit of maddness and lost expression, i said something horribly stupid. If your reading this Jon Jon, i'm really sorry it wasnt true, not in the least. I luv you much, you know that and if you doubt that i'll just have to kill you! *tee hee hee*
well i have hope yet that the day will end on a better note.

my house smells like crabs and seaweed. =)

Dinner last night was wicked fun and pasta taste so much better the next day! yum left overs!
I think i'm having so much fun lately that its just not so fun anymore... is that possible? i think it is..just think about it..

continue later

Friday, May 31, 2002

the best way to see how far we've changed is the talk to someone we havent seen since times have changed us. we get to see how differnt we are, becuase they'll only know you as the person they once knew.
there are several things that i have picked up, ideas that one were but are no longer etc. and growing up means accepting and letting go:
-i've learned that you cant be friends with an ex.
-you'll always love that love no matter what.
-good friends are not hard to find.
-sometimes its more then just sex
-god is good...all the time
-people who dont understand you, never will
-and it doesnt matter what anyone thinks about you as long as you know the truth...besides, good friends would know the truth too.

i cant pretend to say that the past doesnt hurt, it haunts me constantly.
oh well... all i knew for sure, is that the FUCKING AMAZING!

Saturday, May 25, 2002

looking at the last blog and seeing how far i've come from that week.. what a trip. life has definitly looked up since then. Since then i have sought out the glory of God and he has helped me mend my wounds. I only wish that i could somehow mend the wounds of others... old friends. but i guess in the end they are the only ones that can help themselves. some just take longer to get to that self saving point. it was extremely sweet of this friend to wish me a happy belated birthday...even tho it was "one week late" :) i accept it with much appreciation. however i wish that this friend could learn to appreciate himself and the world around him. its not such a bad place after all.

no matter what i do i cant escape good people. thanks linh for saving me even tho i was already six feet over the edge. ur an awsome guy too! i hope that we continue to save eachother.

song of the week: Creed-my last breath

Friday, May 03, 2002

lordy take me away from this gawdawful place... sometimes life aint so bad, but it can alwasy get worst.
so in the course of a week, i find out things about myself, forced to talk to my ex...fall in love, get heartbroken. discover truths about my friends i'm not sure i wanted to know. was pressured into a intsense conversation at 5am which only left me bitter. and for the first time seriouly want to quit work!

just sitting here makes me nausous.

sigh. i spend more then i make, i make less then what i need, and i'm drowning in confusion

i'm curious to see how this week will end.

Sunday, April 07, 2002

There is such thing as having a good time without having sEx. Drinking is not an invitation to sex. Men, news flash! We are no longer Victims of your mind games. None of this would even occur to me had i a good friend. Friends show how much they cAre when they hold your hair back while u pay homage to the porcelain god. FrieNds are friends when they understand that having fun has its prices but they will always save you from having to pay them. They’ll save you from bad situations. You know that it wouldn’t be the first time or the last. So when do friends stop being friends? When they don’t do anything to stop bad things from happening to you. When you get too drunk to know right from wrong, they don’t hold your hair back, they don’t hold horney guys back, they don’t take you home until you ask them five times. Life’s a bitch when your sober...but at least you know who your true friends are.

Sunday, March 31, 2002

"my heart is broken and the signs are unclear. and i dont know the reasons why you brought me where..but i'm gonna walk through the fire if you want me to." Ginny Owens

i had a bomb time last it. i forgot how long its been since i got to let go and be so free. dont care if i made bad impression. or looked like an idiot. because "when the whole world turns against me" i'll still be cool, i'll still have my friends.
waking up sober was a real bitch haha, but ya cant run away from reality forever rite? i dont plan to, i just need something to help me relax so that i may deal with it better when its all said and done.

ugh. feelings i never quite shake, why is he still her? why wont he leave? he was suppose to go to hayward, but not hes going to deanza? why is he still her torturing my poor broken heart? he cares for me i know he does so whats wrong? more things the i can stand to put on a list.
the way he touches me, its happiness for me. lying in the same bed talking about a whole bunch of nothing till early morning light.
it aches so much i pound my chest to stop... " cuz your all i want, your all i need, your everything...everything. how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you. would you tell me how it could be better?"

Sigh. God give me strength.

Friday, March 15, 2002

My goal is to make every summer better then the last. last summer will be hard to top thats for sure. gosh, i'm looking back at all the things i did.. so many townsend boys, my o-town. hehe. what a blast i had. i cant wait for this summer to roll around. it'll be hard but i wont hope for much so that i'll get more.

Preliminary summer plans:

~Yosemite--> River rafting and old faithful.
~Psuedo Rock climbing
~Sky diving
~LOTS OF CONCERTs---> follow up on townsend. (note to self: keep contacts with Great Americas Rep for hook ups).
~Long trips to LA--> San Diego, Plam Springs, Craig Kilborne show in Hollywood.
~Mossouri with Kroeun and Tuan to Visit caly.
~River rafting in the American River
~resume golfing
~clean up rollerblades
~finish book--> Angela's Ashes and Harry Potter IV
~Chicago to visit Chicago man

More to come...any suggestions people???

Thursday, March 07, 2002

I'm just all out of sorts today. i wonder who is really real? Some people can be so hypocritcal. Saying one thing then doing another.
Saying that i'm a good friend just because we can talk for hours. moslty about his problems. his concerns. what he wants to talk about. i'm lost.. wheres the friendship gonna go when i no longer care? cuz its not always gonna be so simple.

Don't you dare bash my religion! dont u dare make judgements of something you can't understand. dont judge something that doesnt judge you. no matter what you may think, you just dont know. because its not in the books you read its in the faith in your heart.

Monday, February 11, 2002

today i'm blogging in the library at skool, yeah i'm weird like that just finding odd and different places to blog, last week the mall, today the library, tomarrow THE WORLD!
so i have a new problem. this person is calling. i wish he wouldnt, i wish he never came into my life becuse now that his is, its hard form me to get him out of my life.. why? because i'm in his. he gave me a ring today and honest to god i didnt think that would happen after i blew him off the night before. we talked, hes real, someone that i would like to get to know better, be there for me and i would be there for him. so whats stoppin things? the "what" is me. i've refused to see him and i dont know why. i dont know, part of me doesnt want to meet anyone new rite now, it would disrupt my way of life too much rite now. things have not been this good for this long ever before. lifes been cruel and now its gotta be kind. i just wish he could understand how i feel but he wont. grrr. so frustrated. i feel so bad, but i cant change the part of me that doesnt want to see him yet.
nothing does it like the comfort of an old friend. i dont want new ones. not yet.

Sunday, February 10, 2002

here i am at Evan's. i've turned in to this nite creature that only ventures out for adventure. sigh.. tomarrows plans? Ikea and a quaint little picnic at the park accros from DeAnza. can't wait, got no money thats no honey thats alright.. i got my friends and i can fly outta sight. lol...anyhow. i miss my chicago man...i dont want to add on to the extensive list of fail dead-end-long-distance-realationships..*sigh* meaning hoang from mich.

no more whining...lifes to short. i cant wait to get outta this hell hole and back to LA. i like it there, i feel so relaxed and as if life just stops for a few short days. its awsome its a feeling words cant describe i guess its just the fact that i can get away from responsibilites and such for a short while. we all need those every now and again..or a shrink or something. i've considered that. but then again i use to date one and he's fucked up because he knows too much...

i've neglected everything i set out to keep and eye on. i feel bad, but then again i also need to breathe, to live, i need to be impulsive, i just wish they didnt need me so much, i wish they cared. i wish i knew that i cared. ok like i said no more whining its high time i went home to catch some Zzz's... nite world.

P.S. and if your reading this and i'm sure u are...Chris...sorry but i'm not the easy fuck you think i am... try again. on someone else. ;p

Friday, February 01, 2002

haha oh joy's i' m sittin here at valle Fair's mac store. and i'm bloggin! here, me, at the mall... i'm slowly converting to mac's wonderful idea of an easy to use computer...oh god someone stop me! is mac the future? and guess what Christine plays golf!!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

it snowed! it hasnt snowed since 1976. how awsome this powery white stuff is. it was so amazing being up there in the mountains again looking down upon civilization. only miles/minuets away. but this time there was snow! it surely brought back some memories that i wish could have been left dormant for it has stirred old wounds and new longings.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Hello Christine and Evan. If you havent already, to find out more about how to make sense of it all...try the archives.